Carlton Halpert

Paranoia takes many forms. For some, there is just a lurking feeling that something is wrong, that things are taking a turn for the worse. For others, the feelings can be very specific and focussed with the patient displaying a strong antipathy toward certain individuals. For Japeth Langdon however, paranoia is a full-time job and a robust hobby.

The latest manifestation of this dimwit’s psychosis is a belief that he is suffering from “Swine Flute”. I must admit to having played some part in this. When last I spoke to him he sounded somewhat congested and I asked whether “his snout was troubling him”.

But, one man’s rantings should not make the rest of us complacent in the face of no threat at all. In the interests of public safety Halpert Life Sciences provides the following information:

SWINE FLUTE

Symptoms Include – Scratchings, Itchy Rind, Tail Curling, Tail Straightening and Mild Death.

Treatment – Complete Sty Rest, Regular Trough Cleanings and Reincarnation.

Vaccine – The science types have developed an “experimental vaccine” that shows promise. The downside is that it is egg-based and is administered as a course of 13 omlettes, which is expensive, time-consuming and high cholesterol.

What “The Man” doesn’t want you to know is that Swine Flu is just one of many related diseases, including:

• Pig Pox
• Sow Trotter Blues
• Boar Nagain
• Havalina Hepatitis
• Baconitis
• Hogwash