Artful – I Ching Haiku 57-64

Posted in Haiku on December 22, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

Although there is pleasure in the written word, there is nothing like the satisfaction of creating something with your hands.

The Halpert Clan has been blessed with a modicum of artistic skill, a bucketful of enthusiasm and an almost unlimited supply of free time. The results are mixed, from Baxter’s very abstract, and frankly offensive,  “Meat Installations” to Servilia’s more conventional “Sheepless Paintings.”

My own work is fairly mundane. I craft statuary from bronze, tin and various zinc alloys. These statues are then installed by Halpert Maritime Salvage in underwater locations around the world. My intent is that none of my work should ever be seen by human eyes. So far, so good.

But, we can put it off no longer. Here are the final eight verses of The I Ching Haiku Project. Submitted for your disapprobation.

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Zoo – I Ching Haiku 49-56

Posted in Haiku on December 21, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

At a very young age (43) I came to the realization that (pending a few patents) we humans are limited to a just a single planet, and it is our responsibility not to totally trash it. Moreover, we share the Earth with more than 30 different kinds of animals, and nearly as many birds and fish-things.

Unlike some people who limit their efforts to saving creatures and habitat, I have taken a more proactive approach. The good people of Halpert Life Sciences (and their evil colleagues) are hard at work perfecting new creatures that will be robust enough to survive on a warming planet, along with some that are just plain cute.

Naturally science is not without its risks, I’ve already apologized for “The Vampire Penguin Incident” and suspect that before too long I’ll be contrite about “Scorplion” too.

All this is preamble to the business of the day, eight new haiku for The I Ching Haiku Project, this set inspired by the Animal Kingdom.

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Music – I Ching Haiku 41-48

Posted in Haiku on December 20, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

There are very few areas of human endeavor at which I do not excel. It may sound arrogant to say that, but it cannot be; modesty is one of my leading traits.

That said, I readily admit to having the musical talent of a raccoon in a 55 gallon barrel. This musical talent-void is not confined to me, there have been no recorded instances of any Halpert having even the lightest hint of skill. However, that has never stopped us from trying, often with hideous (possibly criminal) results.

My family have produced two musical “offerings” in recent years, the much maligned “Klitschko! Klitschko!” and the soon to be maligned “A Christmas Carol Channing”.

The next set of eight haiku in the I Ching Haiku Project are inspired by my life-long experience as a member of the audience, a passive spectator at the feet of those I cannot hope to emulate.

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Workers – I Ching Haiku 33-40

Posted in Haiku on December 19, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

At the last count there were 1,972 people in the employ of Halpert Life Sciences, Halpert Psuedomedia and their subsidiary companies. Leading such a large group of devoted employees is a heavy burden for me, but I bear it with my trademark charm and good grace.

But, never let it be said that I have lost touch with the common man. Indeed, I went “undercover” as a worker at one of the labs recently (conducting research of my own). During the three days I spent amongst the proletariat I observed many strange rites and rituals, several of which informed today’s set of eight haiku.

(If any of my employees are reading this and believe that they recognize themselves in the characters, please rest assured that this is not the case, I meant the other Paul).

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Aquaria – I Ching Haiku 25-32

Posted in Haiku on December 18, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

Anyone who knows me must surely know of my great love for the briny deep (i.e. the sea). A substantial part of my income for the last 81 years has come from the dubious antics of Halpert Maritime Salvage, while an even larger sum has been wasted on the equally illegal antics of The Halpert Institute For Deep Sea Shenanagins.

It will come as no surprise then to learn that the next eight haiku in the I Ching set are inspired by the sea, or more specifically by the experience of visiting a good aquarium.

For those of you just joining us, this is Day Four of an 8-day project. Against the protests of all right-thinking free-people I am attempting to write a haiku (or should that be “an haiku”?) for each of the hexagrams in the I Ching. Why? Good question, I can’t remember, seemed like a good idea when I started.

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Surgery – I Ching Haiku 17-24

Posted in Haiku on December 17, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

Of the eight topics that I intend to address in the I Ching Haiku Project this is probably one that has caused the most tension in my household.

My daughter, Angina has long petitioned her parents to be allowed plastic surgery. Most people would assume that this is because she is embarrassed about being the female half of a set of identical twins. Although that does trouble her, the root of her low-self esteem is the fact that the entire family refers to her identical brother, Penelope, as “The Pretty One”.

The following eight verses are in no way inspired by Angina’s plight. Ahem.

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Provisions – I Ching Haiku 9-16

Posted in Haiku on December 16, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

The fact that you are reading this probably means one of three things is true…

1. You have a masochistic love of marginal quality haiku

2. You Googled “Klitschko in einem musical

3. You are a chronic procrastinator and even reading this nonsense is better than doing your holiday shopping.

What ever the path that brought you here, you are most welcome.

Today we bring you Part Two of my I Ching Haiku Project (64 haiku, each one inspired by a hexagram of the I Ching). Thank you all for your kind of feedback on Part One, I learned some interesting new words (only most of which were offensive).

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The Meal – I Ching Haiku 1-8

Posted in Haiku on December 14, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

Despite the advice of people I trust, and the deploring cries of people I distrust, I have embarked on a project to write a suite of 64 haiku. Each verse is inspired by, and referring to, a hexagram of the I Ching.

I have been supported in this endeavor by the youngest of my four twins, Homunculus. He has sat at my side (in the candle-lit yurt that the family has set aside for poetry. The gentle sound of his snoring echoes through the room even now, a sure sign that he will be asleep within the hour.

For easier digestion the suite is broken into eight courses. Today we present the first eight haiku, a meditation on the complexities and perils of dining in the modern world.

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Haiku of 8 Diagrams

Posted in Haiku on December 12, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

This evening I was enduring a painful discussion of very basic philosophy between Cardinal Caption and Guillermo Gomez, it is hard to believe that either of them has ever spent a day in study (in the Cardinal’s case I strongly suspect that he cannot read).

Their debate was arcane in the extreme and centered on the importance of symbols and semiotics in ancient religions. Gomez made some coincidentally insightful statements about Egyptian hieroglyphics, but Caption misheard him, and the two soon came to blows. While they battled away in the background I took pen and paper, and scrawled out the following haiku…

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Season’s Gratings

Posted in Incidents on December 10, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

Merry Feast Of Choice!

This year I have decided to forgo the more traditional mailed letter that would update you all on the happenings in the House of Halpert. Instead we have embraced the 20th Century and gone “online”.

As the year draws to a welcome close, and the family returns to Castle Halpert, the time seems right to look back over the depths and nadirs of 2009 CE.

I warn you now, the journey may be painful. Although we did have a few bright spots the year as a whole was one that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy (Esteban Estacion). For the 43rd year in a row my triumphs were outnumbered and outgunned by my failures.

Join me then, as we review 2009, Annus Miserablis…

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Harpy Holidays

Posted in Incidents on November 25, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

channingAnother year races by and my kids are already hard at work on the holiday festivities. As is our annual tradition a selection of my offspring will be staging “an entertainment” at the Manticore Memorial Center For The Performing Ass (formerly, Club Discretion).

You may recall that last year The Twins (Fraternal) led the cast in an eye-watering adaptation of “The Nutcracker”. This year it falls to The Twins (Identical) to choose the text, and lead the company.

This has resulted in significant tension across the estate. Penelope has a great love for the lights, music and personalities of classic Broadway, while his sister is much fonder of classic literature. It took a forceful (and expensive) intervention by “Legal” Tony to separate them, and resolve the conflict. In the end though the spirit of the season (glug) prevailed and the Twins have collaborated on a new one-woman show.

It is with a sense of fear, mingled with fright, that we announce…

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The Ballad of Baxter

Posted in Haiku on November 23, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

This afternoon’s stack of telegrams was thicker than usual by a considerable margin. Closer inspection revealed 13 unexpected missives each claiming to be from our estranged, and frankly strange, son, Baxter (not pictured).

There is no way to tell if these are genuine, and if they are then there is still less chance of interpreting sense or meaning from them. So, I present them here for your comments and insights…

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Undisclosed Dislocation

Posted in Incidents, Music on November 16, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

cheneyAs my regular readers will know I am very seldom inclined to endorse or promote the work of others. And today is no exception. It is without reservation or qualm that I give my whole-hearted condemnation of Esteban Estacion’s latest “theatrical” performance.

Starting tonight Esteban will be performing a new one-man show “Cheney Guevara – Undisclosed Dislocation” at the Estacion National Theatre Complex (his basement). As far as I can work out the show is some kind of puppet show about the former Vice President as a Marxist revolutionary.

For those of you with the stomach for it, I provide the following excerpts from the press release.

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Omar Shuttleford – Lost Retainer

Posted in Workforce on November 14, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

shuttlefordIt has been brought to my attention that this entire site makes no mention of the Halpert Clan’s loyal butler, Shuttleford. An oversight I will swiftly rectify.

Shuttleford first came into our family’s employ more than thirty years ago when he was found on the doorstep, in a basket, swaddled in a blanket. This would have been disturbing enough if he was a baby, but he was 57.

Although a model of quiet servitude and placid domestic efficiency Shuttleford has the unfortunate habit of sharing painfully personal information with our guests. To date we have learned the following…

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Flashing Eyes, Floating Hair

Posted in Incidents on November 9, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

a_concussionStudents of the Clan Von Halpert will know that one of our greatest tragedies was the loss of our son, Baxter. But, when you have more than a handful of children you expect at least one or two to make a break for it.

But, I would be telling a falsehood if I said that we never think of Baxter, or that I never wonder if we’ll see him again.

Hopes were raised this week when The Polite Bureau reported that several dozen runners, bikers, birders and perverts had been assaulted in the forest that surrounds our estate.

Reading back over that last paragraph I realize I might have given the wrong impression. I was not glad that these people had been assaulted, I was glad to think that it might have been my son who assaulted them.

Hmmm. That doesn’t read much better.

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Swine Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

Posted in Incidents on November 9, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

a_swine_fluParanoia takes many forms. For some, there is just a lurking feeling that something is wrong, that things are taking a turn for the worse. For others, the feelings can be very specific and focussed with the patient displaying a strong antipathy toward certain individuals. For Japeth Langdon however, paranoia is a full-time job and a robust hobby.

The latest manifestation of this dimwit’s psychosis is a belief that he is suffering from “Swine Flute”. I must admit to having played some part in this. When last I spoke to him he sounded somewhat congested and I asked whether “his snout was troubling him”.

But, one man’s rantings should not make the rest of us complacent in the face of no threat at all. In the interests of public safety Halpert Life Sciences provides the following information:

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Copper Kipper Caper

Posted in Incidents with tags on October 30, 2009 by Carlton Halpert

a_kipperThere has been a disturbing trend in recent months. I’ve noticed that all too frequently I am forced to recount some tale of violence, acrimony or murder. And I am sorry to relate that this entry is no exception. In fact today’s events were perhaps sadder than others as they include shameful behavior from three women whom I’d hitherto considered paragons.

This morning I was glad to attend a breakfast gathering at Manticore Acres (hosted by Servilia’s Brother, that meme among men, Earl). The gathered throng included a host of local dignitaries and Eurotrash, including my wife, Servilia, Ms. Olive Stamp and Mrs. Maude Caption.

The spread laid out by the staff of the Manticores’ was as lavish as one might expect. As far as the eye could see the table was covered with an array of cold cereals, skim milk, dry toast and other luxuries. I was not the only member of the throng to be caught visibly drooling (I’m looking at you, Estacion).

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